My Knowing

Right now my Knowing seems to be a fleeting and illusive sprite, floating in and out of my vision like a fire fly. One moment I can see her clearly and the next it is as if she never existed. When I am grounded and can breath deep into my belly my Knowing seems to be everywhere, in all of my cells and as easy to access as plucking a library book off a shelf. But when my Worry is churning in my stomach and vibrating in my chest, it makes no room for Knowing, just when I need her the most. I drink my tea, sit on my pillow, breathe the breath, stretch my muscles, cry the tears, and talk the talk, but my worry will not go away. It has taken up residence, rented a room paying way in advance, and sees no reason to leave. Fires near friends, dueling hurricanes, a virus, and back to school. My worry has a long list of “to dos” it must attend to before it can be granted a vacation. So it will linger for a long while to come and I will have to be ok with that. Or do I? Can I hate it and wish it would just leave? Or maybe I need to befriend this entity that is camping in my soul? No matter what I choose it will be with me until it decides it is done with me, this Worry of mine.

So instead, I choose to look for my Knowing? Where is it hiding while this other player demands center stage. I don’t think she is gone, taken a hiatus. My Knowing is a fighter. She is biding her time until there is just enough stillness in the storm to peak out of her hiding place. My knowing will give me a sign, a flash of wisdom that might not come in fully thought out sentences. Maybe it will just be a feeling or a single word; “Stop”, “GO”, “Not now”, or “Yes”. I need to trust it is there, because if she feels my trust she will be emboldened to ask for more room. She might even negotiate some space with Worry, reassuring her that she will not take over, but just needs her to move over a bit. If I trust in the power of my Knowing, maybe she will dare to be a little louder and will shout over the hum and vibration of her tentative friend Worry. Maybe I can help her out by asking Worry to take up a little less space, sit a little more still. Maybe together my Knowing and I can sooth Worry a bit and let her take a nap. She has been so busy she will probably appreciate the rest. Slowly, my Knowing’s light will shine brighter and longer so she is easier to locate, so I can really lean in and listen.