Empathy is the Weapon of Choice

At the end of last week I felt the collective rush of adrenaline escaping our exhausted bodies. There was an overwhelming sense that this sprint we were on was suddenly turning into a marathon. The work we have been doing to flatten the curve is working, which is great, except now we need to prepare for a longer slower slog to the end. The dates for our stay-in-place orders have been pushed back. School districts are throwing up their hands and canceling the rest of the year. Doctors are taking a sign of relief because although their days are long and hard they are not having to make some of the awful decisions they had been prepared to make. Now we are in it for the long game, the unknown future stretching out in front of us for an indeterminate amount of time. Our bodies can only sprint for so long before we hit the wall, so in knowing that we must pace ourselves we have collectively down shifted.

Preparing for a marathon is much different than preparing for a sprint. We must dig down deeper and settle into a new normal, rather than just holding on for a little while until it ends. The person running the marathon knows that they have to be planful. They must pace themselves, feed themselves, and expect the many feelings that will arise as you run slowly to the very distant finish line.

As the initial adrenaline drained out of my body this weekend I felt weak and scared. Not like the initial scared I felt weeks ago, that catapulted me into action, but a new hopelessness and lethargy that did not feel as familiar. You see I am really good at sprinting, it is how I operated in most of my pre-COVID life. I see what needs to get done and I buckle down and do it. When it is complete, the work project, the kid birthday celebration, the horse show, or the dinner party, I take a deep breath and move on to the next thing. I have never been a marathon runner. I get bored or distracted and turn my attention elsewhere. My brain loves novelty and novelty she gets. So now I have no choice but to settle into this marathon, where I have to dig deep and find places in me that I have not excercised. I have to get to know myself in ways that I have maybe turned away from to follow the more familiar routes. As I practice these new skills I am going to have to find the most important tool of all, empathy.

Empathy is the thing that will get us all through to the finish line of this epic global marathon. First empathy for myself. I need to honor what I am feeling as real for me, and not engage in comparative suffering as a tool to self shame. If I compare my suffering to those of others I will always be able to find someone else who is suffering more or differently than me. Repressing my own pain with the tool of, “you don’t deserve to be sad because you have it so much better than most other people.” will only work to diminish my own capacity for empathy. Second, I need to have empathy for the people closest to me, the ones I love most. I need to practice showing them how I see their pain, even if it seems trivial to me. This pain is theirs and it may truly be the biggest they have ever felt. Next I need to have empathy for the people who are near by and more neutral, the owner of the bread shop who was upset when I didn’t understand their pickup process, or the exhausted delivery worker who doesn’t smile and wave. Lastly and hardest of all, I must have empathy for the people I don’t like very much. The ones whose suffering might feel justified or a, “getting their come upins”. For if I can feel empathy for their pain then I can truly love myself and my biggest mistakes.

This practice of empathy is what the Buddhists call Loving Kindness. It is a practice that is seated deeply in many traditions because the collective wisdom knows that it is what we need to get through these most difficult of times. It is the salve for our wounded souls.