Green Smoke Possession

So Monday was a funny day. I was coming off an amazing stretch of feeling amazing. Bumps in the road were mere bumps. Frustration were easily identified and moved through. I was on a high of feeling capable of negotiating my life. This was in opposition to feeling capable of distracting others from the truth, which was I can’t negotiate my own life. Two hosting events handled with ease and lacking the typical feeling of overwhelm. A speaking opportunity taken even when the impulse was to avoid it, and genuinely lovely interactions with my children. Then it hit… Monday started out like a typical Monday. Get the kids off to school and capture some much needed me time. Me time accomplished now off to pickup the kids and begin the week for real. The slow decline began then. I felt it creeping in like the green smoke that possesses people in a sci-fi movie. It sneaks in and creeps up their legs. The next thing they know they are engulfed in it and don’t know what to do. The grumpy feelings creeped in just like that. By the time dinner was done I was picking at the smallest scabs and cringing as I drew blood. I could see the confusion on my children’s faces and I watched as my husband tried to intervene. However the possessive green smoke had taken over and I couldn’t help myself. By the time I put them all to bed I was feeling the depths of regret. I wanted to curl in a ball and cry. I decided to try “radical self-care” as Anne LaMont calls it. A cup of sleepy time tea, a good book, declaration of my unidentified grumpiness to my partner, and off to bed for a good night sleep. In the morning the haze still clung to me. I hung my head as I took my daily walk. I could not look up at the beauty around me, but only at the ground right in front of me. The mood and outcomes were predictable and familiar. I dreaded the worst, a long slog with this green smoke filling my eyes, ears and heart. Another morning of irritability dragged me lower. I desperately need to get to an early acupuncture appointment and my children desperately needed to reflect to me my grumpiness with distraction and opposition. Loud angry words filled our morning and we got out the door with our sanity barely intact. Now I get to hold onto regret all day long. More radical self-care; I told the acupuncturist about my mood, and requested, “those great ear points that put in into a trance”. And so began the slow and steep climb out. By 10:00 I felt bearable, by 1:00 a deep sigh of relief as I slowly sloughed off the clinging regret. I could care for me and apologize for my actions. A call to a friend with apologies for my grumpiness the night before during a phone call, and next an I’m sorry to my daughter for “the way I handled things” and the green smoke finally let go of my heart. To be human is to have the times where the green smoke posses us, to move through these times is to be the human I want to be.