Loss and Gathering

The negotiations with my parents have been epic. This pandemic has thrust us into a phase of life that none of us were ready for. That phase where the parents become more dependent on the children than the children are on the parents. My mom and dad are both in their 70’s and aside from needing some help moving large pieces of furniture, they maintain a very independent life. Neither have health issues and both are active and engaged in their communities. But this virus, that seems to pray on people just like them, has put a major wrench in those works. Suddenly a task as simple a going to the grocery store is dangerous and require the assistance of their children.

This shift seems to have hit my mother the hardest. She is the care taker, the one who took care of us, our children, her friends, and her own mother as got older and needed more help. She is not ready to be the one who is being taken care of, and she is fighting all attempts. Last week she expressed excitement about making her “Target run”, and then waited to see my reaction. When I ineloquently said, “Mom you don’t get to go to Target!” She fiend disappointment in a way that I knew meant she really intended to go anyway without telling me. When she spoke with the daughter of her friend, who was sick and weak on the COVID until in Springfield, she heard that risk was great and the illness scary. But today she proclaimed that she was still going to Target on Thursday. The transition is hard.

My mother is a gatherer. She likes to drive to several different store to get just the right thing at just the right price and return home triumphant. She looks forward to planning and gathering; food, plants, and household items, and installing them in their proper place. Now she needs to make lists and trust that other people will fulfill them as she would. Even though I do my best to get everything on the list and maybe even a few extra items, I know she is disappointed not to be able to peruse the stores for lovely little things that catch her eye. The sadness for her is in giving up her independence and the mental stimulation that her gathering entails. She know it is not long term, but her sadness is palpable. My mother did not expect to need us in this way for many more years. She certainly did expect to be giving up so much more.

Today we talked about risk reduction, and I reminded her that my dad was not a good candidate for this illness. Small outing to stores that don’t get much traffic, and only if they are taking precautions, would be fine, but why risk it just to go to Target. What else are they risking in giving up so much before they are truly unable to complete the tasks. We know the risks of social isolation and lack of mental stimulation in people of her age. We know how quickly they can fall prey to cognitive decline and depression if they are not actively engaged in their community and with their families. So what are they risking by being safe? What are they giving up to protect themselves? How do we find the balance?