Riding the Waves
It seems my midlife’s work has been to soften just enough, so that I can feel the full spectrum of my experiences, rather than armoring up and bracing against the waves of life. I spent many years learning to be very strong so I could brace my legs when the waves hit. This hardened stance allowed me to “get through” or be wiped out and sucked under. It was only when I learned to soften my strong stance and allow the waves to come over me, around me and sometimes through me did I learn to remain standing. I am also learning to know that each wave will pass. Sometimes they come so fast, one after another, so that you feel you will not be able to catch your breath, but eventually sunset comes and the waters still, giving you a chance to regain your strength and gain your footing. I don’t need to be able to sustain a tolerance for any one moment of time, I just need to be able to know how to move through it or with it as it arrives and then washes away.
How can I also be soft enough with joy to I allow it to circle me and soak into by skin like the first warm spring breeze. I might rather protect myself from it with stiff armor, worrying more about’s it’s leaving than about it arrival. I am learning how to allow it all to sink into to me and me to it, knowing that it will just be here for a moment so the only thing I can count on is its leaving. Because the letting go is just as important as the letting in. If I try to hang onto it for dear life I will only loose it sooner.
Now that I have learned to how to be softer I also have to know that I will feel things deeper and easier at the same time. This has taught me how strong and balanced I truly am. The big feels come, I see them coming and I don’t brace against them. I try to let them come and wash over me, through me, and around me. I worry they will sweep me away, but then I notice how solid my feet are on the ground. How hard I have worked on finding my strong core, and I have faith that I will wobble but stay upright.
Right now feels like one of those times when all of this big work is to be practiced. A week ago I was close to tears and panic at every moment. Each time I felt as if I had a handle on the landscape, new information would flood in and overwhelm me again. I felt fragile like I would break at any moment and not be able to put the pieces back together and go on. Then I watched as I drove 15 hrs in a car packed full of food and my daughter to get us home in a way that was safer than the flight we were scheduled to take. I watched as I was strong enough to allow my parents and son be left behind in SC to derive great joy from one another and from our horses, rather than keeping them in a box where they would be safe and miserable. As I softened to the fear and sadness, allowed it in and through, it scoured my insides leaving exposed my passion for growth and support work, my purpose of helping people who are doing their hearts work, and a sense of fleeting integrity and alignment with myself and those around me.
May these times show us both how vulnerable and how strong we all are. May they prove to us that we have reserves we never knew we had. And may we come out the other side with wisdom and a sense that we did the next right thing we knew how to do.