What if the Worst Does Happen

But what if the worst does happen? My usually optimistic self feels a deeper need to prepare this time. I was caught off guard before and scrambled for days to get my footing. So this time I will stock the shelves with what if’s. So what if… How will we make it, survive the unthinkable, live the lives that we fear most? This week feels like a more pivotal moment than I could imagine. The gravity of it all bigger than my worst fears. I have been keeping it all at arms length, separating my worries and feeling from my thinking self, but now they are all bleeding together. I want to be contained and a bright light of optimism and hope for others, so I scour the pages of The Globe and The Times, (what titles these are, making us think they somehow know more and see more), for data that points to the north star. Insight that can help me navigate to a safe place where I can go with my bags and my loved ones. Maybe that place is hope and resilience, but how much more hope and resilience can exist. I feel like we have used it all up this year.

I am caught off guard. Shocked that so many people in my world see bigotry and hate as a solution to their problems. Shocked that we are powerless to defeat that much detestation, but still hopeful that goodness will win in the end. If the worst happens, how will we find that glimmer of knowing and believing in the power of goodness.

I preach about gratitude and positive thinking. I lecture about the importance of filling your bucket with the small joys and victories rather than allowing the defeat to take over. But my own learnings are hard to practice right now because desperation is all I can feel. My straight edge 18 year old texted the other day to ask if she could have a drink on election night. She never chooses to numb out in that way and I was struck by the request. She is so worried that her psyche will not be able to tolerate the worst. She is prepping for the need to numb in a new way, because it will all be too much. What I know and she doesn’t, is that it doesn’t matter if you numb now, later the reality will be just as crushing.

I have no experiences that would prepare me for the worst, my life has been blessed. I don’t have many moments that would give me a knowledge of my depth. So, when I begin to worry that I will not be able to handle this worst, I have to tap into others that have survived. My kind and brilliant college professor who survived the holocaust and then spent his life understanding the people who will not stand by and let bad things happen. He radiates kindness and love and joy. His life is dedicated to helping so many, in honor of the woman who saved him. If these ordinary folks had what it takes to survive and find love in the darkness and again on the other side, then who is to say we do not. Is there a depth that we don’t know is there and can’t tap into until we need it. Like the extra few miles we manage to drive even after the “miles to empty” reads 0. Right now all I can do is pray that it exists, fill the wood box of my soul with firewood, and hold my people close. Preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.