Witnessing is Action

I was talking with a friend the other night. We were discussing how rung out she was feeling.  The cruelty she had observed in her work colleagues over the past week was more than she could endure.  She had seen many places where humans were feeling lost, and in their pain where striking out against each other.  In particular she had bared witness to the pain of two people she holds very dear. She had sat with them while they described the pain they had experiences at the hands on others, she held on to that pain, and despite her best efforts, felt helpless to repair the damage.  We talked through the experience, and she described lingering feelings of exhaustion and a desire to flee. We discovered that most of her discomfort emanated from her inability to “fix it”.  The powerlessness of the situation was weighing on her so greatly that it felt intolerable and she wanted to leave.  From her point of view, listening and having no ability to make change left her feeling ineffective.  I reflected to her that she had done so much more by witnessing and having empathy than she could have done by fixing.  In a moment of tremendous stress for both of these friends she performed an amazing act; she saw their pain and validated it, she saw their strength and pledged to be an ally on their path to healing.  This seemingly simple act was much more profound than if she had run off to “fix it”.  It was more profound for them because the empathy she felt fueled them in the way only human connection can.  They showed her their vulnerability and she touched into her empathy.  That is the deepest and most meaningful type of connection. 

Brene Brown’s research has demonstrated how connections made in vulnerability are the deepest and most lasting connections we can feel.  “The truth is, rarely can a response make something better — what makes something better is connection.” (Brene Brown) The connection my friend found with her colleagues filled their tanks so that they could have the energy they needed to be the agents in their own lives and to solve their own problems.  The connection reminded them that humans are generally more kind than cruel, it help them validate their experiences, and take action from that place of truth rather than shrinking back in doubt. 

Witnessing, the act of being presents and truly seeing someone else’s pain without taking action, is very difficult.  In her recent blog for OnBeing, Courtney E. Martin descries how baring witness to the pain of someone we care about is almost unbearable.  It is very difficult to watch someone we love in pain, so in order to relieve ourselves we look to find relief for the other.  We try to give them advise, or motivate them to action.  Anything so that we do not have to experience the vicarious pain that comes with witnessing. 

What if we reframe witnessing as action.  True it often looks like inaction, because it is quiet and sometimes motionless.  But what we know is that witnessing with deep compassion supports people more than doing every could.  Witnessing tells people we see their strength and know that they can find their solution.  We might decide that being on the path with them is supportive, but we don’t need to shove them aside and do it for them.  “Fixing it” takes away a person’s agency and confirms their self-doubt. “I know you can’t do this, so let me do it for you.”  Witnessing is deep and impressive work on our part.  It takes all of our core muscles to hold the deep pain and remain still.  

After reframing the experience, my friend was able to take a deep breath.  She was not without sadness or frustration.  The situation clearly called for a real human response.  However, she no longer felt the intense desire to flee, jump ship, or run away.  She saw the hard work she had done and validated it for herself.