Creating Safe Space to Struggle

I have recently been listening to a deeply wise woman named Dr. Brene Brown. Listening to her work and the work of others has helped me begin to think deeply about my role as a parent. I will in part this statement to Dr. Brown, however, it is a concept that I have gleaned from many other places in my life as well, she just put it best. One of the messages we receive from our culture is that as babies our children are perfect little beings. Consequently our job as their parents is to protect them from the harms of the world, and from our own “mistakes”. What we know is true about people is that from birth we are hard wired for struggle and connection with other humans. What we also know is that struggle is our gift to the world. When we struggle we gain empathy, compassion, and skills. The moments that we are likely most proud of are ones where we had to struggle and overcome an obstacle. So could our job as parents instead be to create a safe place for our children to struggle. A place where they can have their struggle acknowledged and they can be reminded that they are worthy of love and belonging. Every time I think about this concept I take a sigh of relief. Creating that space is very hard work. Someways I will do it well and others I will fall short. But what I know from experience is that I can not protect my children from the harms of the world. I can do my best to be sure they are in safe places and have good tools, but I can not plan for or help them avoid every hurt. I would also say that maybe I should not. The research is showing that resilience, determination, perseverance, and grit are more accurate predictors of “success” than is IQ or academic skills. If as a parent I focus my energy on creating a safe place for struggle than hopefully my children will have an opportunity to learn some or all of these afore mentioned skills.