Daily Thoughts

So here we are trying this thing of writing every day.  I hear it is a practice and in order to get from messy action to something that looks decent we have to practice.  I hope you will stick with me through the messy.  Who knows we might find some pearls in here.

I have been working with the contrast of reacting and responding lately.  A situation presents itself and we have a choice.  We can react to the first feeling that pops up for us, or we can take a moment to decide the course of action.  This idea that I could find a small moment to look at what is coming up for me and choose how I want to respond versus skipping the pause and just reacting.  That pause moment seems to be where it is at.  Mostly I am finding that fear is what is coming up.  Fear of not being able to handle the “whatever” if it doesn’t turn out the way I had originally pictured.  Fear, of what other people will think.  Fear, of failing at the thing, whatever that thing.  Just plain fear.  It bubbles up, shuts me off from the part of my brain that knows that I am logical, smart, intuitive, and skilled, and come out as mad.  Mad at myself, mad at the person who happened to be near by when things started, or mad at the person who started the thing.  I am mad because I don’t like to be scared.  Scared requires me to be vulnerable.  It requires me to ask for help or to have to sit in that awful thing called not knowing.  But everything seems to change if I find that little pause.  It is almost like a hiccup in my processing between experience and response.  In that little sliver lies the grand canyon of knowing.  Knowing that I am capable, knowing that I can handle whatever comes, knowing that being vulnerable is actually the yummiest place to be if I want to be connected to myself, and knowing that not-knowing is an opportunity to learn something new (which rocks!).